We’ve all heard it: the conversation where one party retells an event, and the other party responds by telling of a slightly better event. The first party then retells an even better event, cementing the conversation into a pattern of constant one-ups-man-ship. We haven’t just witnessed these conversations. Let’s face it: we’ve been a party to them. We have actively participated in the endless competition that somehow became our lives. Our next shindig has to be better than our friend’s shindig last week. The whatever-thing we created last week is usurped by someone else this week, and we are not only hurt, but determined to win back our title as the best at the whatever-thing by planning an even bigger whatever-thing. We are determined to win the competition.
And it’s exhausting.
Come closer, I’ve something to tell you. Come, come, a little closer. Listen now: It’s not a competition. I’ll let that sink in a bit. It’s not a competition. Life, your house, your family, the decorations for the holidays — none of it — is a competition.
It wasn’t always this way, but the area where it is easiest to describe the upswing in competition is the wedding dance video. Yep, those ubiquitous videos we see posted on social media that spread like wildfire where the bride and groom execute a long-rehearsed wedding dance to entertain and impress their guests. Even the parents get involved! Oh, yes, I’ve watched these also, being drawn into their vortex. When watching them, however, I cannot help but wonder whose idea it was and if everyone was fully engaged in the decision.
Let me be clear before someone misinterprets me: If this is in keeping with the personalities of those involved, then go for it. However, if this is planned solely as a way to make this event better than Cousin Brenda’s wedding last year, then maybe ditch the choreographed wedding dance and go for better hors d’oeuvres. Why force any marriage to begin with such stress?
In this example, I cannot help but be reminded of the 50% divorce ratio in this country and wonder if couples had put more effort into their relationship and less into the wedding dance, perhaps we could stay together longer. Were we too focused on the wrong things? Did we decorate our house with all the pretty things but forget to put any effort into the foundation? Should we then be surprised when the foundation fails and leaves us sprawled out in the midst of complete destruction, wondering what went wrong?
Life is not a competition. Whether that is a wedding dance or the new sofa purchase made last week, you are not in competition with any one. We do not come to the end of life and face a scoreboard where someone shouts the name of the winner. We are here learn, to try to be a little better person today than we were yesterday.
We, as Americans (because I cannot speak for any other culture), tend to get wrapped up in competition pretty easily. This week’s party has to be better than last week’s. This year’s Christmas present has to be better than last year’s. My child has to be a better soccer player than yours, and so on. If we step back from the endless competition for just a moment, we realize how exhausting it is. Incredibly, emotionally exhausting.
What would happen if we stopped? What if we stopped the endless competition and just did what felt right for us? What if we let someone else have the attention of the better whatever-thingy, and we did our own understated authentic whatever-thingy for ourselves, without the underlying current of competition?
The only person we should be in competition with is the person we were yesterday. The challenge is to understand that the competition with self is not a battle, but a gentle journey. It is a chance to learn the lessons of one day and try to apply them the next, all the while, understanding that sometimes we stumble but that does not mean we have failed. Each day the sun rises, we get an opportunity to try again, and again, and again.
By stepping out of the endless competition with society, you might be amazed at how much energy you have to focus on areas that bring you joy.
Oh yes indeed, what an absolute joy it is when one finally steps away from the endless competition. The wasted energy that becomes restored and better placed somewhere else – towards something far more worthwhile. That game of one-ups-man-ship is alive and well among us Aussies too – especially with children’s parties! I have noticed how relieved some parents look when they witness how small and simple my kids parties are… and the homemade party favours their littles leave with. I’m yet to have a disappointed child (or parent for that matter) 🙂 xo
Oh, that is so good to hear, Xan. The simple parties are the best because they focus on the right thing(s), and the energy can be channeled to just having a good time. Yes, yes, yes! When I look back on my life, it is the understated moments that stand our and are indeed the sweetest.